If you give a child your bagel...

If you give a child your bagel, she's going to get your cold.

Once she has your cold, she'll probably get a runny nose.

After her nose starts running, she'll refuse to use a kleenex.

To thoroughly refuse your kleenex, she'll bang her head on the floor.

Banging her head on the floor may bring about a fever, so she'll need some Tylenol.

Once the Tylenol is working, she'll feel like she was never sick, so she'll have a dance party on your bed, at 3 am. 

After the dance party, she'll be thirsty so she'll want a boob of milk. 

Boob milk is so yummy, she'll want to drink for much of the night, while showing off amazing feats flexibility; simultaneously kicking you in the throat with one foot and her father in the groin with the other. 

Acrobatics are tiring, so she'll probably need a short sleep. 

Once she wakes up, she's going to need a fresh diaper. 

Discovering for the 2500th time that bare bums are better, she'll try to escape her fate. 

In her retreat, she'll likely bang into a wall. 

Banging into walls is distressing, so she'll probably need a cuddle...and a snack.

Bagels make for excellent snacks. 

And if you give a child your bagel...

She's going to get your cold.

A Christmas Letter

Dear friends,
It's that time of year again - time to mute the Barenaked Ladies pretending to be non-unionized elves time! So sorry about my lack of correspondence over the last few months. I've been very busy looking for lost library books and bouncy balls beneath our couch.

I know you're all dying to hear what's been happening in our little neck of the woods, so here goes.

Luke is still in school. For those of you counting, this is his 7th year of university. We're all very hopeful he'll actually decide to leave after this degree. And by all, I mean our bank and me. We moved his desk into our windowless basement. I can tell he's getting smarter the paler he becomes.

Judah is three. He likes to lick his sister and put things in his nose. His favourite store is the Bulk Barn. He still prefers not to wear pants. He will, however, put on pants if you promise to take him to the Bulk Barn.

Neve is a month away from being one. She bites. She missed the class where they had, "Don't bite the breast that feeds you" unit. She walks, she talks, she does our bookkeeping. A fabulous addition.

I was supposed to return to work next month. I decided it would be more fun not to, so I quit my job. I am now a full time child delayer. Anytime a child asks me to do something, I say "One second". I'm really good. I think I may be promoted soon.

We also have a new member in the clan - Blueberry the Beta fish. He's great; quiet, eats very little, doesn't throw toys or require an RESP. A perfect child really. I may have a few more. Fish that is.

Well that's all for now. I promise to be a better correspondent in the New Year (resolutions and all that, permitting).

Much love,
J