Well, we're entering night three of our night-weaning project.
I hoped this post was going to say:
It's going soooo great! She's sleeping, we're sleeping! Wow. So great.
Instead it has to say:
It's going TERRIBLY! She loves boobs! No one is sleeping! Wow. So bad.
Night One
I nurse Neve to sleep as usual. I explain that I will nurse her now, but after this, the show's over until morning.
She replies with an emphatic, "Yep."
1:30 am - Neve wakes up. Luke goes to the floor bed in her room to comfort her. She takes this as an insult to her intelligence.
"You have no breasts. You do not lactate. Get the heck out!" She screams.
1:45 am - I can't take the angry screaming. I go in to help Luke. Neve is delighted to see her portable dairy factory is up and running. I explain that it is not nursing time, it is sleepy time. Neve becomes very angry at me. We had read about this. Anger is ok. She is not scared. She is not being abandoned. She is being snuggled and sung to by two lovely parents. She gets angrier.
2:00 am- We decide to take the party to our bed. It's bigger and we think she may sleep with a change of scenery. We are wrong
2:01-3:30 am - Neve is no longer angry, but she is wide awake. She thrashes about the bed. She cracks her forehead into my nose. She kicks the blankets off. She tries to find a boob in Luke's shirt. She realizes I either need a chest wax, or she has the wrong parent. She tries to find a boob in my shirt. She plays with a bottle full of water.
3:31 am - Judah wakes up and calls for Luke. Luke leaves to sleep in Judah's room. Tries to contain his happy dance as he does.
3:32-3:45 am - Neve continues to thrash about before finally falling asleep at the end of the bed, between my feet - butt in the air.
7:30 am - Judah, who has now slept for close to 12 hours, comes to wake us up for the day.
7:31 am- Night Two - I drag my butt around like a good zombie-mom.
11:25 pm- Neve wakes up, after being asleep for a few hours. I nurse her. This is technically cheating as I had committed to not nursing between 11-6. I don't care. I naively believe this will buy me a better night's sleep.
4:00 am- Neve wakes up again. Luke brings her from her floor bed to our room. I tell her it's sleepy time, not nursing time. She becomes angry once again. She thrashes around the bed. We offer her her bottle of water. She drinks some. She belches. She laughs. She turns the bottle upside down beside my back. My back becomes wet and cold. She thrashes around some more. We force ourselves to sleep, intermittently, through her horizontal zumba routine.
6:30 am- Judah wakes up and calls for Luke. Luke goes to get his one hour of uninterrupted sleep.
6:45 am- I wake to see Neve finally asleep, again at the foot of the bed.
7:20 am- Neve wakes up. It is light out. I tell Neve she can nurse now. She has a couple of swigs and then falls back asleep.
9:30 am- Mommy and Neve wake up. New record- latest sleep in with the least sleep.
As I said, It's going TERRIBLY! She loves boobs! No one is sleeping! Wow. So bad.
If tonight is a repeat performance, I may have to revert to the all-night nurseathon. I either sacrifice my boobs or my sanity. Long-term, I'll probably want my sanity... probably.
3.18.2013
The Week That Was
Top to bottom - 1. Neve, as always, trying to grab the camera. 2. Judah visits the reptile show with Uncle Nico. 3. March- In like a lion....out like a lion. 4. Judah's flowers are sprouting. 5. My well-loved seed catalog. Having a hard time making decisions for the garden this year. 6. Bringing a little spring to our decorating, as it continues to snow outside.
3.16.2013
Neve the Nocturnal Nurseavore
This week has culminated in the perfect no-sleep storm.
Both kids have had terrible colds, resulting in lots of hacking when they are horizontal. Good for daytime. Super crummy for nighttime.
Add to that, the time change, a few late nights and Neve's nocturnal nursing, and what do you get? No sleep!
We're big on co-sleeping with the kids. They sleep better when they aren't alone. We sleep better when we know our kids feel safe and secure. As a result, Neve, now 14 months, has always nursed or been walked in our arms to fall asleep and then joined us in our bed upon first waking around midnight. Judah, at three-and-a-half, still wakes up at least once, generally between 1-3 and calls for Luke, who then goes and sleeps in Jude's almost king sized bed.
Theoretically, this is all lovely. It has worked really wonderfully for us... in the past. Currently, we are running into an issue. A BIG, exhausting, brutal, awful, no-good, TIRING issue.
Neve is a major nocturnal nurser.
Although she likes the odd drink during the day, especially before her nap, she will accept food- not- from- a- boob during the waking hours. Her intake of said food is pretty small. She doesn't mind solids, but she definitely doesn't share her brother's penchant for devouring them. Instead, she likes to save up her points and nurse FOR HOURS during the night. As a result, I find myself inhaling food right before bedtime.
9 pm, my body is in full-out panic mode: "Woman, you need to ingest like 3000 calories, like right now! I can hear that kid starting to stir, and if you don't, we'll have no choice but to eat your brain tissue!" This happens. I don't even know what day of the week it is.
Last night, the old routine grew a little thin. It was 4:40. Neve had been nursing/ teething on me for almost three hours. I felt like a dog Kong. Chew-toy time was over. I told her the milk was "all gone". I was hoping she'd say, "ok", roll over and go to sleep. Instead, she totally lost her milk-loving mind.
It was the infant apocalypse.
"NO MORE MILK!!!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?
THIS IS THE WORST NEW EVER!!"
She screamed.
I sang her a lullaby. She screamed.
I tickled her back. She screamed.
I changed her diaper and snuggled her right beside me. She screamed.
We continued this little pattern for an hour, then I called in reinforcements. Daddy the Boobless, took the boob addict downstairs for a board book marathon until 7 am, when they both fell asleep on the couch.
How do you know it's time to night-wean?
When no one is sleeping anymore.
When you eat an entire bag of Doritos before bed - because you HAVE to.
When your one year old can go most of the day without eating anything, because they've eaten you- all. night. long.
So here we go- night one of the Dr. Jay Gordon method for night weaning. If you have any advice to offer, we're all ears. I'll try to keep you updated with our progress. If not, just listen really hard around 4 am, you might just hear one of us screaming.
Both kids have had terrible colds, resulting in lots of hacking when they are horizontal. Good for daytime. Super crummy for nighttime.
Add to that, the time change, a few late nights and Neve's nocturnal nursing, and what do you get? No sleep!
We're big on co-sleeping with the kids. They sleep better when they aren't alone. We sleep better when we know our kids feel safe and secure. As a result, Neve, now 14 months, has always nursed or been walked in our arms to fall asleep and then joined us in our bed upon first waking around midnight. Judah, at three-and-a-half, still wakes up at least once, generally between 1-3 and calls for Luke, who then goes and sleeps in Jude's almost king sized bed.
Theoretically, this is all lovely. It has worked really wonderfully for us... in the past. Currently, we are running into an issue. A BIG, exhausting, brutal, awful, no-good, TIRING issue.
Neve is a major nocturnal nurser.
Although she likes the odd drink during the day, especially before her nap, she will accept food- not- from- a- boob during the waking hours. Her intake of said food is pretty small. She doesn't mind solids, but she definitely doesn't share her brother's penchant for devouring them. Instead, she likes to save up her points and nurse FOR HOURS during the night. As a result, I find myself inhaling food right before bedtime.
9 pm, my body is in full-out panic mode: "Woman, you need to ingest like 3000 calories, like right now! I can hear that kid starting to stir, and if you don't, we'll have no choice but to eat your brain tissue!" This happens. I don't even know what day of the week it is.
Last night, the old routine grew a little thin. It was 4:40. Neve had been nursing/ teething on me for almost three hours. I felt like a dog Kong. Chew-toy time was over. I told her the milk was "all gone". I was hoping she'd say, "ok", roll over and go to sleep. Instead, she totally lost her milk-loving mind.
It was the infant apocalypse.
"NO MORE MILK!!!
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?
THIS IS THE WORST NEW EVER!!"
She screamed.
I sang her a lullaby. She screamed.
I tickled her back. She screamed.
I changed her diaper and snuggled her right beside me. She screamed.
We continued this little pattern for an hour, then I called in reinforcements. Daddy the Boobless, took the boob addict downstairs for a board book marathon until 7 am, when they both fell asleep on the couch.
How do you know it's time to night-wean?
When no one is sleeping anymore.
When you eat an entire bag of Doritos before bed - because you HAVE to.
When your one year old can go most of the day without eating anything, because they've eaten you- all. night. long.
So here we go- night one of the Dr. Jay Gordon method for night weaning. If you have any advice to offer, we're all ears. I'll try to keep you updated with our progress. If not, just listen really hard around 4 am, you might just hear one of us screaming.
3.13.2013
Birth Story - Ina May Gaskin and the Farm Midwives
A couple Fridays back, I went to an early screening of Birth Story, with my super-cool-hippy friend who I aspire to be like (Yes Kirston, that's your official title over here). Birth Story is a documentary, which chronicles the life's work of Ina May Gaskin, arguably the world's most famous midwife and a personal hero of mine.
It was beautiful! Both from a cinematographic standpoint and in its empowerment of women, birthing and otherwise, the world over. This movie made me want to give birth again...and that's saying something!
If you get an opportunity to see this film, do! Better yet, make an opportunity to see it!
Want to see the trailer?
It was beautiful! Both from a cinematographic standpoint and in its empowerment of women, birthing and otherwise, the world over. This movie made me want to give birth again...and that's saying something!
If you get an opportunity to see this film, do! Better yet, make an opportunity to see it!
Want to see the trailer?
3.11.2013
No Praise - No Punishment
If there is one thing I've learned over the past four years of parenting, it's that parenting is a learning experience. Ideally, the more you do it, the better you get at it. In reality, however, we often start out trying to be the best parents the world has ever seen- "I hand wove all the babies diapers" - and somehow fall into bad habits and parenting pitfalls that we swore would never befall us - "If you don't stop bothering your sister, Halloween will never come again".
A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend an afternoon class with Carol Peat, an amazing childbirth and parenting educator. The "Calm Mum" session has challenged us to work towards some exciting changes to our daily parenting. The biggest change we're working towards is a no praise- no punishment approach. That's right folks, no praise - no punishment. *Cue the screaming of gold stars as they meet their doom*.
But guys- you're thinking - don't we need to praise our kids? Won't they have low self esteem if I don't tell them that everything they do is amazing?
I like to think of it like this...
Situation a: Jude builds a really tall block tower. My first impulse is to say, "Good job, Judah!"
or
Situation b: Neve is hitting Judah because she wants a toy Judah has. My first impulse is to say, "No hitting. You can use another toy."
In both instances, I've made a judgement about my child's actions, I've imposed that judgement on what they've done and I've left him out of the equation completely, except to say that the only thing that matters here is what I think.
In these situations we are communicating to our child that a.) you are dependent on another person's praise of your actions to feel you've accomplished something. This is where actions get their value. Or b.) that what we are feeling isn't valid, unless someone tells us it is.
If we approach this with a no praise- no punishment mindset, the focus shifts from telling them they are loved (or making them feel unloved), to showing them they are loved, no matter the situation. We can change these situations to look something like this...
Jude builds a really tall block tower. I say, "Wow. That tower is as tall as you and you used so many different colours!"
and
Neve is screaming, and wailing on her big brother. I get down to her eye level and say, "I hear you, but I won't let you hurt your brother."
In both instances I am withholding my personal lens on the situation. Instead, I am recognizing what they have done and validating their experience. Judah can now think, "My mom cares enough to really notice what I've done here." And Neve can hear, "What I'm feeling is okay," while we also validate Judah's experience as the victim of her frustration.
So far, the results of this approach have been amazing. I feel like the attachment between us and the kids has only grown deeper. They don't have to worry about our reactions being conditional based on our view of their behaviour. Instead, they have parents who are armed with the skills to remain calm and consistent, regardless of the decibel level of a meltdown.
The benefits are huge, but setting the pattern is hard. It's easier to just tell our child that everything they do is amazing. It's easier to give in to our own frustrations and shout or give time-outs when they are "bad."
It's harder to stay calm, to step back, to say "this isn't about me".
Not praising or rewarding or bribing kids for everything they do will eventually allow them to do and enjoy things for their intrinsic value. Not punishing our kids for everything we perceive as a deviation from the perfect child, allows us to step back and see that our kids, especially the little ones, are only acting in a developmentally- appropriate way for their current situation; and allows them to understand that their emotions are okay and they can be processed and translated in healthy ways.
When children feel heard, understood, and unconditionally assured that their parents will remain a calm, loving, presence they can be calmer and happier too.
Want to learn more? Check out the Babies Naturally blog and read it direct from the expert.
A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to attend an afternoon class with Carol Peat, an amazing childbirth and parenting educator. The "Calm Mum" session has challenged us to work towards some exciting changes to our daily parenting. The biggest change we're working towards is a no praise- no punishment approach. That's right folks, no praise - no punishment. *Cue the screaming of gold stars as they meet their doom*.
But guys- you're thinking - don't we need to praise our kids? Won't they have low self esteem if I don't tell them that everything they do is amazing?
I like to think of it like this...
Situation a: Jude builds a really tall block tower. My first impulse is to say, "Good job, Judah!"
or
Situation b: Neve is hitting Judah because she wants a toy Judah has. My first impulse is to say, "No hitting. You can use another toy."
In both instances, I've made a judgement about my child's actions, I've imposed that judgement on what they've done and I've left him out of the equation completely, except to say that the only thing that matters here is what I think.
In these situations we are communicating to our child that a.) you are dependent on another person's praise of your actions to feel you've accomplished something. This is where actions get their value. Or b.) that what we are feeling isn't valid, unless someone tells us it is.
If we approach this with a no praise- no punishment mindset, the focus shifts from telling them they are loved (or making them feel unloved), to showing them they are loved, no matter the situation. We can change these situations to look something like this...
Jude builds a really tall block tower. I say, "Wow. That tower is as tall as you and you used so many different colours!"
and
Neve is screaming, and wailing on her big brother. I get down to her eye level and say, "I hear you, but I won't let you hurt your brother."
In both instances I am withholding my personal lens on the situation. Instead, I am recognizing what they have done and validating their experience. Judah can now think, "My mom cares enough to really notice what I've done here." And Neve can hear, "What I'm feeling is okay," while we also validate Judah's experience as the victim of her frustration.
So far, the results of this approach have been amazing. I feel like the attachment between us and the kids has only grown deeper. They don't have to worry about our reactions being conditional based on our view of their behaviour. Instead, they have parents who are armed with the skills to remain calm and consistent, regardless of the decibel level of a meltdown.
The benefits are huge, but setting the pattern is hard. It's easier to just tell our child that everything they do is amazing. It's easier to give in to our own frustrations and shout or give time-outs when they are "bad."
It's harder to stay calm, to step back, to say "this isn't about me".
Not praising or rewarding or bribing kids for everything they do will eventually allow them to do and enjoy things for their intrinsic value. Not punishing our kids for everything we perceive as a deviation from the perfect child, allows us to step back and see that our kids, especially the little ones, are only acting in a developmentally- appropriate way for their current situation; and allows them to understand that their emotions are okay and they can be processed and translated in healthy ways.
When children feel heard, understood, and unconditionally assured that their parents will remain a calm, loving, presence they can be calmer and happier too.
Want to learn more? Check out the Babies Naturally blog and read it direct from the expert.
3.09.2013
The Week That Was
pictured, top to bottom:
1. dress up - criminal M&M meets the russian police
2. a rose from jude and morai
3. summer sewing for neve
4. thrift store treasures
5. a trip to IKEA means a frame for my valentine's gift
6. bouncy balls remain this week's hottest toy
7. new play kitchen!
8. a visit to the sugar shack
9. the olden day maple syrup way
10. still winter
3.05.2013
One to Two
When you welcome your first child, everyone warns you about how much your life is about to change,
"I hope you've had lots of sleep, because you won't have much for the next 25 years!"
"Well, your days of showering in private are over."
"How do you feel about pee soaked mattresses? That's too bad, because you're going to have one."
And so on.
What society doesn't prepare you for, is the life flip that happens when you go from having one child to having two.
Perhaps it was just me... Maybe it was our birth spacing... Could be that we went from having one really easy going kid, to having one really easy going kid with a feisty sister. More likely though, I think that the first year with a second child is just BRUTAL.
One child is a PANTLOAD of work (literally and figuratively), but the first year with two is like treading water (and doing laundry, and making breakfast, and climbing the stairs), with a toddler clinging to your ankles and a baby in your arms...
It was like Neve was born and on her first night at home, she and Judah met in his bedroom closet and made a secret treatise along these lines:
We solemnly swear,
1. That we will never nap simultaneously.
2. That we will always lick each other's toys and faces when we are ill, to ensure one of us is sick at all times.
3. That one of us will always be in mom and dad's bed.
4. That mom will never use the bathroom unattended.
5. That dad will always be awoken by one of us before dawn and that we will ensure he reads 10 Sandra Boynton books before breakfast.
6. That one of us will always attempt escape at the library.
7. That no trip to the grandparents shall go without a screaming finale.
8. That we will never willingly share anything with each other, and that whatever you are playing with is exactly what I need, right now.
9. That any moment we accidentally get along, should end with us banging foreheads.
10. That the only music we will agree on will be nauseating, third-rate, nursery rhymes sung by puppets.
For the next 12 months, they obeyed their own laws. Then, one day without notice, they started to play together. We pretended not to see. We avoided direct eye contact. We hid in a closet and wept with relief.
Now, Judah insists on being the one to run upstairs when Neve wakes from a nap.
Now, Neve calls for Judah when she wants someone to play in the couch fort.
Now, Mom has tiny moments of reprieve. A chance to sit back and watch... and imagine what it might be like to have three.
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