Poopageddon

*Warning: This post has a heavy poop quotient, because, quite honestly, so does my life.


Dear Jennie,
Why has it been so long since your last post to me? I thought we had a good thing going on. We used to talk so much, you thought about me so frequently, you really cared and now, what!? ...




Dear Blog,
I would love to write to you more frequently, alas my days have been usurped by some rather hilarious antics which prevent me from doing so. Let me elaborate... I shall narrate for you a ten minute segment of my Wednesday and you can see for yourself why I have been so derelict in my blogesque duties. 




Mama is in the kitchen. It is 11 am. 


Both children have been fed a healthy breakfast- one consisting of eggs and fruit, the other consisting of egg and fruit- flavoured boob milk. 


Both children have been bathed. 


Both children are in clean clothes and looking cherubic. 


Judah is pantsless. All is as it should be. 


Judah and Mama are putting away dishes. Judah points to the floor...
"Look Mama! Bugs!"


11:01
Mama looks to the floor. There are 30 ants attacking a yogurt covered Cheerio from the previous day's breakfast. Mama goes into panic-driven extermination mode, while still trying to promote kindness to animals. Ants are swept into dustpan and taken outside. Some ants are more alive than others. More ants have appeared at the Cheerio crash site. Mama deems it time to pull out the mop and bucket...


11:04
Before the mop and bucket can be retrieved, Neve begins to cry. No problem, Mama can soothe baby... oh wait... baby has poop oozing out of her pant leg. Poop is all over Mama's hand and jeans. That's okay, Mama will just plop baby down on the couch and eradicate the poosaster... 


11:06
What's that all over the couch? "Judah, why are there poop smears all over the couch!? Were you pooping on the couch earlier?" Judah does not respond. Looks panicked. Hides behind kitchen table. 


Mama throws Judah's discarded pants over poop smears and begins to change baby, who has now managed to get poop on every single item of clothing- both socks included. 


11:08
Two cloths later, the baby is out of her own filth and lying naked on the couch. A new diaper has yet to be applied. Judah emerges from hiding and begins to shout, "I need to poo! I need to poo!"


Judah is now fully potty-trained. This does not warrant Mama panicking, Mama thinks. Mama encourages Judah to run upstairs to the toilet. 


11:09
"Mama! I need you!" 
Mama and baby (now wearing only a diaper) rush upstairs. Judah really did need to poo. He was not exaggerating. The attempt to get on the toilet was, unfortunately, a few moments late. There is poop all over the toilet front, under the seat, on toddler legs...everywhere! 


The poo spiral begins to suck the entire bathroom into its vortex.


11:10
Baby is happily lying in the hall in her diaper, examining a light fixture she's never had the pleasure of meeting before. Toddler is enjoying his second bath in as many hours. Mama is laughing hysterically while cleaning the toilet, because, in moments like these, you laugh or the poop wins.




And that, dear Blog, is just a small sample of why I haven't been by. I hope for both our sake the next absence won't be so long... or foul smelling.