Today is August 7th. Which means I have exactly 8 days to make a fairly major life decision. Do I want to know the sex of this baby now, or do I want to wait until mid-January when it lands in my arms... from the stork... I've decided that's the easier way of giving birth.
When we were expecting Judah, Luke was super adamant that he didn't want to know the sex. I, experiencing pregnancy and everything else for the first time, thought "What the heck. Let's make it a surprise." I had a pretty strong inkling Judah would be Judah, as did everyone I met while pregnant....
Pizza Hut man: Would you like a drink with that?
Me: Yes please. I'll have a...
Pizza Hut man: So you're having a boy eh?
Me: umm...we actually don't know.
Pizza Hut man: It's a boy.
This time feels sort of different. Luke is still adamant he does not want to know. So, if I do find out, I can tell no one! Well, at least not anyone who ever sees or talks to Luke- that wouldn't be fair. Can I keep such a HUGE secret for 5.5 months? I like to think I can... I also like to think I could train our cat to use the toilet... so maybe I'm overestimating my abilities. Nonetheless, I really want to know. The difficulty comes in deciphering my motivation for wanting to know. I've come up with a few possible motivating forces:
1. I have absolutely no patience and I like instant gratification. This is a terrible reason, but it's kind of true. If this is my primary motivator, I feel like I should just use this as a character building exercise- not find out and gain some self-control.
2. I've done it one way (waiting) now I'd like to try it the other way (knowing) and this way if and when we do this a third time, I'll know which method I preferred. You know, like trying different wine pairings with lamb...they will all be good, but will one be better?
3. (Luke's theory) I want to know so I can decorate the nursery. This theory is incorrect (sorry darling) as I've already purchased all the fabric for the nursery textiles (post to follow!) and the colour scheme - yellow and white, is cemented. I'm not a fan of pink for girls or blue for boys anyway. So that motivation can be scratched :)
4. I need to mentally prepare. I know I can handle a baby boy. I can picture myself as a mother of a son. Somehow, however, having a girl seems like a bit of a mental leap. This makes me feel really shallow for the most part. I don't want to gender my child from birth. I don't want to presume heterosexuality on them and I will do my utmost to treat them the same. That being said, the thought of having a girl (as much as I'd love one) somewhat terrifies me. To be a young girl in this day and age means being inundated with the idea that you need to look and act like a princess, images of sexualized children's clothing, and a perception that her worth is only as good as her looks and her ability to attract boys. What I'm saying is, I'd like to know if I'm having a girl so I can build a tall tower in the woods somewhere...without wireless internet signals...to lock her until she is 25. Practical no?
And still, a small nagging voice says, "just wait". Knowing the baby's sex will mean nothing about knowing my baby. Their sex is only a tiny part of the amazing, complex, little personality that we will meet on that wintry day. And so I continue the mental debate. I honestly don't know what I will do next week - I'm open for advice. Maybe baby will make things easy and will cover its incriminating parts with the knitting I'm sure it's busy doing...those are definitely needles I'm feeling in the side of my bladder.
Happy Sunday world!